Post by Damon Cross on Jul 19, 2020 20:07:07 GMT -8
Breathe... Jesse reminded himself repeatedly while he stationed himself in a seat. His hands clamped around a lukewarm cup. He hadn't even bothered with draining any of the contents despite his late night. The tension already built up in his chest, his stomach, and he tried to remember what he had learned on his travels. Jesse was a young man, sure, but he had traveled as much as he could. It aided in his change... Jesse felt like he had finally found peace-- except when he thought about Damon. It was muddled at best.
Forgiveness was taught to him through many different lens... He had forgiven the action, the result, but not the person. Could he? Jesse wanted to. Not for his sister, or anyone else, but himself. Jesse was just unsure if he could...
Damon felt the lump in his stomach grow heavier, on the other hand, the closer the bus got to Pack Square. He knew that this was necessary, that it would be a big help for all concerned, but he could not help feeling as if he were walking into a fight. His past with Jesse was acrimonious at best and if things went south here, it might destroy everything that Damon was trying to work for; surely Danielle wouldn't be fine with he and Jesse not making up, to say nothing of Leina.
At the very least it was neutral ground. Somehow, that didn't make him feel any better. His stomach was going from lumpy to a pit that no amount of food or drink could fill. A strange heat erupted in him and every nerve ending in his body was feeling in overdrive. This... this wasn't going to be good. He could just feel it.
But... he got off the bus, crossed the busy square and, with a deep breath, pushed the door open to the café. He stood for but a moment until a server came up to him, yet in that same moment he spotted Jesse... and Jesse spotted him.
Damon Cross: "I'm meeting someone, thank you."
A familiar clench in his stomach rose with every breath, then strangled itself with an exhale. Boiling heat that raced from the pit of his stomach through every vein in his body. Jesse's eyes lowered themselves to the table while a trembling breath filled his lungs. He held it then released it in order to calm the shaking down. With a tip of his head, his gaze cemented itself onto Damon.
A phrase circled his head silently offering to further calm down the storm brewing in his stomach. A changed man earns forgiveness through future actions, and amending past errors. Could that be true? Jesse's eyes were oddly soft despite the stiff body language. What did Damon expect to come of Jesse's mouth? It probably wasn't.
Jesse Anderson: "You look like shit."
Damon Cross: "Blame Jansen Myrrh."
Was the curt response. Did Damon expect that? Hard to say. He lowers himself into the chair opposite Jesse and when the server follows he requests water. Anything stimulating or filling just... would not be a good idea. Not yet. Throwing up all over the table wouldn't do much to make this easier. Damon considers quietly for a few moments, sipping his water when it comes, before finally letting the words out.
Damon Cross: "There's no sense in holding anything back today, Jesse. If you have something to say, say it. If you want to beat the dog out of me, we'll step outside and you can do that. Hell, if you want us to sit here in silence... that wouldn't fix anything, but it would be fine, too."
Realizing he is rambling, Damon pauses for more water, then speaks up again.
Damon Cross: "I just want to start mending things between us if that is possible."
His words went without much a reaction from Jesse, the silence lingering around them but there wasn't much animosity. Jesse took a sip of his cold coffee but before his lips left the rim, his eyebrow cocked up. A scoff released as Jesse forced out a clearing of his throat. Ever the charmer... His hazel eyes squinted, twitched from the pressure of his expression then he leaned back in the chair.
Jesse Anderson: "You want to begin mending things..."
Jesse repeated to confirm. Then he leaned forward.
Jesse Anderson: "How about an apology then, hm?"
Snarky side comments were immediately swallowed down despite his urge to begin spilling them across the table.
Damon Cross: "I apologize for my actions that took you out of wrestling. I won't sit here and make excuses or try to explain the reasons why. They don't matter anymore. They don't change how wrong it was. They... won't bring either of us peace. But from the bottom of my heart? If I could take it back, I would."
No hesitation there. Damon speaks in a slow and measured fashion, almost enough to make one miss his accent entirely.
Jesse's face went dull. Any emotion cleared from it completely leaving behind a canvas for anything else to take shape. Without a word, the cup was raised to his lips so he could drank the nearly flavorless cup of coffee. The bitterness washed through him, coated his throat, mouth and seemed to summon back a flicker of emotion.
Jesse Anderson: "I... don't care why you did it."
Jesse seemed confused by his own words. A bit of a surprising development. Reasoning behind the actions had been an inquiry that in this moment no longer applied.
Jesse Anderson: "You did plenty of horrible things, which I'm sure the sin of doing haunts you far more than it does anyone else involved. I've already forgiven the situation. What's past is past. Absolutely nothing we do now changes that..."
Jesse leaned forward again.
Jesse Anderson: "From where I've sat you seem to be doing better. Must've been a steep climb from the abyss you made. You did it though. It's more than others in your position might do."
Damon Cross: "Without Danielle it would have been impossible. She literally saved my life."
And that was true; at his darkest point after the injuries inflicted upon his leaving Ascension, Damon was literally two seconds from putting a bullet in his head and ending things. Had Danni not knocked on his door and interrupted the act, this conversation would not be happening. Somehow, Damon doubted that she told her little brother this. It was not something she would want to dwell on, he thought.
Damon Cross: "But I'm not done climbing."
Jesse nodded his head slowly studying Damon's features without much reflection. He had seen tweets between the two in passing taking notice of how he praised Danni for saving him. No surprise. His sister very rarely abandoned people she cared for.
Jesse Anderson: "I'd say not."
Jesse's eyes scanned the back walls losing themselves into a different train of thought. With a blink they returned to focusing on the table in front of him.
Jesse Anderson: "Wiping the red of a ledger takes time. Effort. Lots of apologies and struggling to forget the monster in your shadow..."
Damon Cross: "Forget? No."
Damon downs the rest of his water.
Damon Cross: "I'm not going to let myself forget what I used to be. That's how bad things happen and the monsters come back. At least that's what I feel."
Jesse Anderson: "For those of us who have monsters behind us, I don't think it's really possible to actually forget them."
Jesse slacked into the seat finding a more comfortable position on it. A single hand remained circled around the cup.
Jesse Anderson: "I'd like to think that there is a way to leave them though. A way to cut off their connection so they are memories, not threats."
Damon Cross: "You have to accept them. We all have light and darkness in us. One cannot exist without the other. If you fight one of them, it will fight back and eventually overwhelm you. If you accept it, you diminish the power it has over you. That's how I feel, anyway."
Pretty philosophical. But it did make some sort of sense.
Jesse cracked a bit of a smile while he shrugged weakly. His eyes traced the table.
Jesse Anderson: "Finding balance in yourself is a staple to finding continuous happiness.-- Some guy I ate ramen with told me that. Just some random guy but that comment really stuck with me."
Jesse's expression slowly dimmed with a sorrowful one. His eyes brimmed while he gazed up at Damon.
Jesse Anderson: "A lot of... situations kept popping up in my head about today, this conversation. I kept... dreading the possibility of losing myself into my own anger again. How that might lead to violence that would forever form a wedge between me and my family. I dreaded the possibility of whatever you had to say just not being enough; that-- that all of my growth had been a bunch of lies I was telling myself. I figured, I might be like Richard."
Jesse released a heavy sigh.
Jesse Anderson: "He fought me during a Muay thai tournament. I broke his arm, couple ribs, and... knocked out his left eye. See, I thought if I just apologized, felt bad enough, prayed, repented,-- that it would be enough to earn his forgiveness. Never was... And while I was traveling; I felt more and more pity for him. It's like carrying around weight to resent someone. To want them to suffer, or seek revenge. It's why I forgave you. N-not just because I've been where you are-- having the monster win in those split seconds you can't take back, and you have to carry that guilt of sin around... But because I don't want to be stuck. I don't want to hate you."
Damon Cross: "Hate is a dangerous thing. So is pain. If we let them in and forget to let go of them when we're done... sometimes they don't go away."
Damon speaks as though from experience. Honestly, it is a wonder he makes it through the day sometimes. Danni's support is a wonderful thing, and wrestling gives him an outlet through which he can exorcise negative energy and find some sort of release, some kind of peace. But there is much inside him that will not go away easily. Though, if Jesse can let go of his anger for Damon, perhaps Damon can let go of his anger for himself.
Damon Cross: "I would much rather us be something positive, if only for Danielle's sake. Friends might be too much to ask at this point, but perhaps in the future?"
Jesse's eyes narrow suddenly upon Damon's words. He appears to be chewing something over.
Jesse Anderson: "While my family is everything... If we become something positive, I think it should be for us as well. For you."
His expression softens and a faint smile slowly emerges.
Damon Cross: "Time will tell, I suppose. You are not the only one I have to prove myself to. And as much as Danielle might believe otherwise, she is one of them."
Taking in a deep breath, Damon holds it a moment before letting go. Pushing back his chair, he rises from his seat and when Jesse does the same, Cross extends his hand to the young man.
With a bit of an awkwardness, Jesse stands up as well. He stares down at the extended hand before he reaches over to give it a firm shake.
Jesse Anderson: "I'll keep my eye on you, if it'll help. Heh.."
Damon Cross: "I would appreciate it."
From there, there is awkwardness... until the server returns to the table. The two men decide to sit down to lunch since they are there, and the scene fades slowly to a hopeful black.
Forgiveness was taught to him through many different lens... He had forgiven the action, the result, but not the person. Could he? Jesse wanted to. Not for his sister, or anyone else, but himself. Jesse was just unsure if he could...
Damon felt the lump in his stomach grow heavier, on the other hand, the closer the bus got to Pack Square. He knew that this was necessary, that it would be a big help for all concerned, but he could not help feeling as if he were walking into a fight. His past with Jesse was acrimonious at best and if things went south here, it might destroy everything that Damon was trying to work for; surely Danielle wouldn't be fine with he and Jesse not making up, to say nothing of Leina.
At the very least it was neutral ground. Somehow, that didn't make him feel any better. His stomach was going from lumpy to a pit that no amount of food or drink could fill. A strange heat erupted in him and every nerve ending in his body was feeling in overdrive. This... this wasn't going to be good. He could just feel it.
But... he got off the bus, crossed the busy square and, with a deep breath, pushed the door open to the café. He stood for but a moment until a server came up to him, yet in that same moment he spotted Jesse... and Jesse spotted him.
Damon Cross: "I'm meeting someone, thank you."
A familiar clench in his stomach rose with every breath, then strangled itself with an exhale. Boiling heat that raced from the pit of his stomach through every vein in his body. Jesse's eyes lowered themselves to the table while a trembling breath filled his lungs. He held it then released it in order to calm the shaking down. With a tip of his head, his gaze cemented itself onto Damon.
A phrase circled his head silently offering to further calm down the storm brewing in his stomach. A changed man earns forgiveness through future actions, and amending past errors. Could that be true? Jesse's eyes were oddly soft despite the stiff body language. What did Damon expect to come of Jesse's mouth? It probably wasn't.
Jesse Anderson: "You look like shit."
Damon Cross: "Blame Jansen Myrrh."
Was the curt response. Did Damon expect that? Hard to say. He lowers himself into the chair opposite Jesse and when the server follows he requests water. Anything stimulating or filling just... would not be a good idea. Not yet. Throwing up all over the table wouldn't do much to make this easier. Damon considers quietly for a few moments, sipping his water when it comes, before finally letting the words out.
Damon Cross: "There's no sense in holding anything back today, Jesse. If you have something to say, say it. If you want to beat the dog out of me, we'll step outside and you can do that. Hell, if you want us to sit here in silence... that wouldn't fix anything, but it would be fine, too."
Realizing he is rambling, Damon pauses for more water, then speaks up again.
Damon Cross: "I just want to start mending things between us if that is possible."
His words went without much a reaction from Jesse, the silence lingering around them but there wasn't much animosity. Jesse took a sip of his cold coffee but before his lips left the rim, his eyebrow cocked up. A scoff released as Jesse forced out a clearing of his throat. Ever the charmer... His hazel eyes squinted, twitched from the pressure of his expression then he leaned back in the chair.
Jesse Anderson: "You want to begin mending things..."
Jesse repeated to confirm. Then he leaned forward.
Jesse Anderson: "How about an apology then, hm?"
Snarky side comments were immediately swallowed down despite his urge to begin spilling them across the table.
Damon Cross: "I apologize for my actions that took you out of wrestling. I won't sit here and make excuses or try to explain the reasons why. They don't matter anymore. They don't change how wrong it was. They... won't bring either of us peace. But from the bottom of my heart? If I could take it back, I would."
No hesitation there. Damon speaks in a slow and measured fashion, almost enough to make one miss his accent entirely.
Jesse's face went dull. Any emotion cleared from it completely leaving behind a canvas for anything else to take shape. Without a word, the cup was raised to his lips so he could drank the nearly flavorless cup of coffee. The bitterness washed through him, coated his throat, mouth and seemed to summon back a flicker of emotion.
Jesse Anderson: "I... don't care why you did it."
Jesse seemed confused by his own words. A bit of a surprising development. Reasoning behind the actions had been an inquiry that in this moment no longer applied.
Jesse Anderson: "You did plenty of horrible things, which I'm sure the sin of doing haunts you far more than it does anyone else involved. I've already forgiven the situation. What's past is past. Absolutely nothing we do now changes that..."
Jesse leaned forward again.
Jesse Anderson: "From where I've sat you seem to be doing better. Must've been a steep climb from the abyss you made. You did it though. It's more than others in your position might do."
Damon Cross: "Without Danielle it would have been impossible. She literally saved my life."
And that was true; at his darkest point after the injuries inflicted upon his leaving Ascension, Damon was literally two seconds from putting a bullet in his head and ending things. Had Danni not knocked on his door and interrupted the act, this conversation would not be happening. Somehow, Damon doubted that she told her little brother this. It was not something she would want to dwell on, he thought.
Damon Cross: "But I'm not done climbing."
Jesse nodded his head slowly studying Damon's features without much reflection. He had seen tweets between the two in passing taking notice of how he praised Danni for saving him. No surprise. His sister very rarely abandoned people she cared for.
Jesse Anderson: "I'd say not."
Jesse's eyes scanned the back walls losing themselves into a different train of thought. With a blink they returned to focusing on the table in front of him.
Jesse Anderson: "Wiping the red of a ledger takes time. Effort. Lots of apologies and struggling to forget the monster in your shadow..."
Damon Cross: "Forget? No."
Damon downs the rest of his water.
Damon Cross: "I'm not going to let myself forget what I used to be. That's how bad things happen and the monsters come back. At least that's what I feel."
Jesse Anderson: "For those of us who have monsters behind us, I don't think it's really possible to actually forget them."
Jesse slacked into the seat finding a more comfortable position on it. A single hand remained circled around the cup.
Jesse Anderson: "I'd like to think that there is a way to leave them though. A way to cut off their connection so they are memories, not threats."
Damon Cross: "You have to accept them. We all have light and darkness in us. One cannot exist without the other. If you fight one of them, it will fight back and eventually overwhelm you. If you accept it, you diminish the power it has over you. That's how I feel, anyway."
Pretty philosophical. But it did make some sort of sense.
Jesse cracked a bit of a smile while he shrugged weakly. His eyes traced the table.
Jesse Anderson: "Finding balance in yourself is a staple to finding continuous happiness.-- Some guy I ate ramen with told me that. Just some random guy but that comment really stuck with me."
Jesse's expression slowly dimmed with a sorrowful one. His eyes brimmed while he gazed up at Damon.
Jesse Anderson: "A lot of... situations kept popping up in my head about today, this conversation. I kept... dreading the possibility of losing myself into my own anger again. How that might lead to violence that would forever form a wedge between me and my family. I dreaded the possibility of whatever you had to say just not being enough; that-- that all of my growth had been a bunch of lies I was telling myself. I figured, I might be like Richard."
Jesse released a heavy sigh.
Jesse Anderson: "He fought me during a Muay thai tournament. I broke his arm, couple ribs, and... knocked out his left eye. See, I thought if I just apologized, felt bad enough, prayed, repented,-- that it would be enough to earn his forgiveness. Never was... And while I was traveling; I felt more and more pity for him. It's like carrying around weight to resent someone. To want them to suffer, or seek revenge. It's why I forgave you. N-not just because I've been where you are-- having the monster win in those split seconds you can't take back, and you have to carry that guilt of sin around... But because I don't want to be stuck. I don't want to hate you."
Damon Cross: "Hate is a dangerous thing. So is pain. If we let them in and forget to let go of them when we're done... sometimes they don't go away."
Damon speaks as though from experience. Honestly, it is a wonder he makes it through the day sometimes. Danni's support is a wonderful thing, and wrestling gives him an outlet through which he can exorcise negative energy and find some sort of release, some kind of peace. But there is much inside him that will not go away easily. Though, if Jesse can let go of his anger for Damon, perhaps Damon can let go of his anger for himself.
Damon Cross: "I would much rather us be something positive, if only for Danielle's sake. Friends might be too much to ask at this point, but perhaps in the future?"
Jesse's eyes narrow suddenly upon Damon's words. He appears to be chewing something over.
Jesse Anderson: "While my family is everything... If we become something positive, I think it should be for us as well. For you."
His expression softens and a faint smile slowly emerges.
Damon Cross: "Time will tell, I suppose. You are not the only one I have to prove myself to. And as much as Danielle might believe otherwise, she is one of them."
Taking in a deep breath, Damon holds it a moment before letting go. Pushing back his chair, he rises from his seat and when Jesse does the same, Cross extends his hand to the young man.
With a bit of an awkwardness, Jesse stands up as well. He stares down at the extended hand before he reaches over to give it a firm shake.
Jesse Anderson: "I'll keep my eye on you, if it'll help. Heh.."
Damon Cross: "I would appreciate it."
From there, there is awkwardness... until the server returns to the table. The two men decide to sit down to lunch since they are there, and the scene fades slowly to a hopeful black.
