The Diary Of Payne: Chapter 4 - A Mother's Regret

“You’re here? What time did you get in?”
Sent 11:44am

“10am”
Received 11:45am

“It’s 11:45. You should have let me know. I would have picked you up.”
Sent 11:46am

“Its fine. So we doin this or not?”
Received 11:46

“Of course! Where are you now?”
Sent 11:47

“You know a place called Ashkers?”
Received 11:47

“I do! I can be there in ten.”
Sent 11:47

“Kay.”
Received 11:48

“See you soon!”
Sent 11:48

“Yup”
Received 11:48

Tessa Rodriguez-Emmerson looked up from her phone. The house was quiet except for the sound of the television in the living room playing Alice Cooper’s “Teenage Frankenstein.” Her husband Dave was watching Friday The 13th: Part VI. Tessa knew the movie well enough to know that it was at the famous RV scene. She locked her screen and stuck her phone in her purse before taking a deep, nervous breath. She supposed this was it. Tessa rose from the seat at the kitchen counter and strode into the living room, putting on her best smile. She leaned forward and ran her hands over Dave’s shoulders, getting his attention. She had a kiss waiting for him as soon as he looked up. His thick beard and stache tickled her lips. Tessa wrapped her arms around him in a hug.

“Hey. Amy wants to meet for lunch. That okay?”

Dave made a face that said it was perfectly fine with him as he reached up to caress her bare arm in her tank top.

“Yeah, that’s fine, babe. You gonna be home for dinner or should I order something in?”

That reminded her as the text conversation had made everything else slip her mind.

“Ooh! No. I’m making meatloaf.”

Dave closed his eyes and made a victory fist with his other hand. Music to his ears.

“Yes!”

Tessa smiled and kissed her husband again. A little deeper this time before lifting her attention to the television. She held her position there long enough to join him in watching Jason Voorhees plunge a knife into Cork’s head and cause the RV to flip over. The husband and wife couple reacted like any good horror fans would at an awesome death scene. Tessa gave Dave’s beard a playful tug as she walked back to grab her purse, jacket and keys.


Ashker’s wasn’t that far from their house, at all. Saying she could be there in ten was being generous and considering some traffic. Before long, Tessa was pulling her black Highlander into the parking lot of the cafe that she frequented, actually. So much that when she shut off her vehicle, got out and walked in through the front door, a waitress she recognized greeted her by name within seconds. Tessa put on another smile to let the hostess know she was meeting someone there. As she said this, her brown eyes swept across the cafe searching for them. Searching for...her. She spotted her. Sitting in the back of the establishment at a two seat table. A half eaten meal on her plate with a mug beside it. Tessa let the hostess know where she’d be sitting and asked for a coffee.

Tessa began approaching the young woman sitting by herself. Each step closer caused an ounce of her courage and nerve to dissipate to the point that she wanted to turn on her heel and walk right back out of the cafe to reconsider this. Before she could even make a final decision, however, the girl looked up. Tessa stopped near the table and met the girl’s gaze.

My god….

Tessa thought to herself as she felt a lump form in her throat. It was almost like looking into a mirror that went back twenty years. Of course, Tessa never had her hair as short as her younger looking counterpart. But as much as she saw herself in the woman, she also saw the other half which made her feel full of regret for that poor decision she made over two decades ago. She had Andrew’s eyes. That hardened intensity but also that expressiveness that could tell you what was going on without needing to say a single word. So much life in them yet at this moment, so much confusion. So much pent up anger. The girl wore all black. Jeans that hugged her legs and hips, a pair of low boots. Tessa couldn’t remember she name of them. They started with a T, she thought. Then there was the solid black tanktop and leather jacket. Then there was the hat she wore on her head. A backwards Pittsburgh Steeler’s cap that looked like it had seen far better days but was still being used. Twenty four years later and Tessa still recognized it immediately. It was Andrew’s that he used to wear all the time. Tessa couldn’t help but smile at the girl sitting before her. She saw so much of both herself and the girl’s father in her. More so than she did on TV when she started watching the wrestling shows she worked for. Tessa swallowed that lump in her throat and decided to be the one to break the silence between them.

“...Hello, Morgan….”


Hearing the woman speak her name, Morgan sat back in her chair, resting a gloved hand on the table top. She’d been sitting there pondering on whether or not she even wanted to send Tessa the text message that she had arrived earlier. Sure, she could have let her know what time she was getting in but she wanted time to think everything over and get her head straight. It took everything in her to not just say ‘fuck it’ and tell the cab to turn around so she could go back to the airport and book the next flight back to North Carolina to return home. She’d continued to think about it even when she finished texting Tessa - she wasn’t going to dare call her mother yet. Yet, here she was now, with the woman that had brought her into this world only to throw her away, now standing in front of her with sadness in her eyes. Morgan was no expert at reading into people’s emotions unless they were painfully obvious. Somehow, she knew that Tessa was being eaten up inside. Or perhaps it was just her wishful thinking. Tessa was smiling down at her but there was an unmistakable mist forming in her eyes. Morgan thought for a moment, remembering back to how she and Mary had gone over this when she told the girls she was going to meet the woman.

She stood up from her chair and stepped out from behind the table as she was often told was proper to greet someone upon first meeting them. It was there, however, that Morgan felt herself fighting her impulsive urges. Her gloves tightened around her hands as she slowly balled them into her fists. Morgan had always told herself. She’d always told the girls at The Castle. She’d even told Marissa and her Aunt Lee. By god, she’d even told her father that if she ever saw the day where she encountered this woman in front of her, she was going to knock the goddamn, everloving shit out of her. Well...here she was. Morgan had her opportunity to do what she had told more people than she could count on her fingers. But for some reason...she just couldn’t. As bad as Morgan had always wanted to let this woman know how she felt about being abandoned at birth and leaving her teenage father scared and alone with a newborn daughter. It always felt funny to her. In situations like this, it was always the father who up and bounced on the mother. Why did everything in her life seem so ass backwards at times? Oh well. Didn’t matter now. Here she was with that chance and she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Another part of her was screaming at Morgan to throw her arms around the woman and let out years of pent up pain, but a stubborn part of Morgan - THE stubborn part of her - told her that the woman didn’t deserve such a thing yet. So Morgan met those two parts right in the middle.

“Hey.”

It was all she said as she stood there and extended her hand out. Tessa, whom she had briefly spoken with over social media after her father had mentioned her reaching out to him, watched her hand with a saddened realization yet sense of understanding. She reached out and took Morgan’s hand in a polite handshake. Morgan felt that urge to slug her again as another wave of anger passed. Just pull the bitch right into a hard left cross and leave her in that fancy ass cafe with a busted nose. But again, she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“It’s umm…” Tessa began. “It’s nice to finally….” She was struggling to finish.

“Yeah….” Morgan replied flatly. She wasn’t sure how she felt yet.

“Do you wanna sit back down or…?”

“Yeah, I do.”

Morgan’s tone was firm and apathetic as she sat back in her chair and picked up her mug of hot chocolate. Tessa hung her purse over the corner of the chair across from her and sat down in it. Barely a moment of silence passed before a waitress came by with the cup of coffee Tessa had ordered. Tessa thanked the woman and quietly began adding the cream and sugar she preferred.

“So…” She said, attempting to further break the ice. “I saw your match Thursday.” Looking up, she met Morgan’s gaze. The young woman sat back lazily in her chair, now playing with the cover of her zippo. Flipping it open and closed. Tessa continued. “It umm...it was good. I liked it….”

Morgan let out a heavy sigh. “...So ya like wrestlin’?”

Tessa nodded slowly. “I umm...we used to watch it all the time back when we were dating.” Then added, “your dad and I. I actually stopped for awhile but...I picked it back up again recently.”

“Yeah?” Morgan sipped from her mug, emptying it and raised it up, silently asking for a refill. The waitress came over and took her mug to go refill it before she spoke again. “What sparked dat?”

Tessa sipped her coffee slowly. She set it down. For some reason, she needed more sugar today. “I started after I talked to your dad on the phone. It took a little bit of searching but...I found him...and you.” She paused, taking a deep breath and letting it out. “...I’m sure you have a lot of questions….”

Morgan nodded deeply. She couldn’t agree more with Tessa’s statement. “Where ya been all these yeahs? Huh?”

A question that Tessa knew was coming and had gone over how she was going to answer it in her head over and over for when it came. It wasn’t as easy as she had practiced for. “...I’ve been living here for the past twenty years. Before that I...just kinda bounced around...making due where I could.”

Morgan frowned, growing confused by how Tessa had found her and her father so easily after all this time. “How’d ya know where to find Pop?”

“Your grandparents.” She answered before specifying. “My parents, I mean….”

Morgan gave a half scoff, half chuckle and looked away for a second, shaking her head. “Makes sense, I guess.” Despite circumstances, she actually had a relationship with her maternal grandparents as her father had stayed in touch with them, even after Tessa disappeared. Ran away from home.

Tessa went on, then, to explain that she got back in touch with her parents through social media, looking up her family and reaching out to them. They had been more relieved and emotional more than anything to have their daughter contact them after so long. To know she was alive and well. It had been through them that she was able to reach her ex-boyfriend and the father of the young woman she sat there in the diner with at that very moment. Morgan’s father thought it was some kind of sick prank at first but after proving otherwise through trial and error and multiple questions, Tessa had convinced the man that it really was her. It took her even more convincing to allow her to even speak to Morgan. Andrew Cassiano didn’t want to risk putting his daughter through unnecessary emotional trauma, especially when she was in a stage where she was trying to improve herself. But even after twenty four years, Tessa Rodriguez, as he had known her, knew how to get passed his guard. The worrisome part had been contacting Morgan herself. She reacted...well...exactly how Tessa had expected. Actually a little better.

A big part of her had expected Morgan to just tell her off and to cut her out entirely, but the young woman showed a willingness to listen and that’s where Tessa had the hope that she could possibly fix things. At least do right by her daughter whose life she had missed entirely from birth into adulthood. When Tessa was finished explaining, Morgan was watching her carefully. She was still playing with that Steelers zippo in her hand. Her gaze was soft yet cold as she took in every word Tessa said. After a brief pause, Morgan looked down at the lighter in her hand. It held no sentimental value or relevance to the situation. She just needed to take her eyes off of Tessa for a moment to fight back the pain she was feeling inside. Being told in detail of how hard she worked to find her and her father. It only brought up more questions in her head, such as….

“...Why?” Morgan lifted her gaze back to Tessa who looked back at her with her hands wrapped around her cup. Morgan gave a half shrug with the shoulder of the hand that held her lighter. “Why now? Why, after all dis fu---” For some odd reason, Morgan stopped herself from cursing like a sailor in front of the woman that should have had a hand in raising her but didn’t. “Why, after all dis time...did ya decide you wanna try an’ make things right? What, ya life now ain’t doin’ so hot and you wanna backtrack to what ya threw away, hopin’ for a fresh staht?” She took a long, slow sip of her hot chocolate. When she set it down, she couldn’t help but do so with just enough force that it made a clink on the table top. A small bit spilled over and Morgan snatched a napkin from the dispenser to wipe it up. She lifted her gaze to Tessa. “You married now?”

“I…” Tessa sighed. “Yes….”

“Aight.” Morgan nodded, huffing some. “Yinz got any kids?”

Tessa closed her eyes and swallowed. God, she knew where this was going. “...Two….” Pause. “Jamie...seventeen...and Derek...fourteen.”

Hearing that stung Morgan in the chest worse than the hardest chop she had ever taken while inside the ropes of a wrestling ring. She’d never been stabbed before but she was pretty sure this was how it had to feel. Right in the heart.

“So lemme get dis right.” Morgan threw the crumpled up napkin onto the table and leaned back in her seat. “Ya dated my dad through high school. Yinz were a happy young couple n’at. He knocks you up and in spite o’alllll da support he’s ready ta give, tellin’ ya not ta worry abaht it, dat he’s gonna be theah, you get cold feet o’bein’ a parent an’ up an’ bounce because ya were scared o’bein’ a responsible mother? You run away from home and after time goes by, you meet some jagoff and decide he’s da one ya wanna spend da rest of ya life wif.”

“Morgan.” Tessa said abruptly but kept her calm, understanding tone. “Please. Dave’s far from a bad man….”

“I don’t give a flyin’ fuck abaht, Dave!” Morgan said, raising her tone enough that people were starting to look over. Tessa tensed in her chair as Morgan continued to let it all out. “I give a fuck abaht da fact dat da woman who left my fatha high and dry wif a newborn daughter took off outta da blue and when she decided ta get her life back togetha, instead of comin’ back home, she hooked up wif some mothafuckah for a fresh staht. Ya found someone new, got hitched, had two kids dat ya obviously love an’ care abaht because ya still in their lives! Ya givin’ ‘em what ya shoulda gave ME!”

She jabbed a thumb at herself as she leaned forward in her seat. Tessa looked around, able to feel and then see the multiple pairs of eyes on them.

“Morgan, please. Just--”

“What were da names again? Derek and Jamie? I bet they love mama a whole lot. Meanwhile, here I’ve been, da past twenty four goddamn yeahs wonderin’ what life woulda been like had my mom been a paht of it. Havin’ dat hahd reminda every birthday, every holiday season, every Mother’s Day dat somewhere in da world was da mother I neva had. Constantly wonderin’ and askin’ myself why? Why ain’t she heah? Why da FUCK WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH DAT YOU DIN’T JUS’ COME BACK?!” Morgan stood up out of her chair and dug into her jacket for her wallet. She pulled out a twenty dollar bill and slapped it onto the table to pay for her meal and drink, plus tip.

“Morgan, wait---” Tessa rose out of her chair, her eyes pleading.

“Don’t.” Morgan said firmly, pointing a finger at her with a glare in her misty eyes. “Just...fuckin’ don’t.” She inhaled and exhaled through her nose. Her pointing hand trembling from the rage that coursed through her veins. “Ya shoulda just stayed away and left well enough alone. Cause knowin’ what I know nah jus’ makes me wanna lay ya ass aht even more. So finish ya coffee, go back to ya happy lil family and stay da fuck aht o’my life…”

Morgan stepped passed Tessa, storming towards the front of the cafe. She was too angry to even throw any snide remarks at those staring as she left the woman alone at the table and stormed outside, sticking her arm out for a cab.

Back inside the cafe, Tessa slowly sank back into her chair, eyes squeezed shut with a hand up over her mouth as the tears came and soft sobs escaped with each breath….