Sykobitty Exposed 008

So, tonight’s episode will be considerably different. I’m actually recording this on my phone because, to be honest, this was long overdue. I get busy, but as much as I’ve made my thoughts clear both in front of the NFW faithful and on Twixxer, I thought I should at least put all of it in one place and on the record.

So, let’s get the biggest thing out of the way first. Those who listened to Exposed 007 heard me answer a question about the Wolves of Odinn. And, I didn’t hold back. I spoke my truth with my whole chest only to find out I was wrong from the jump. Now, one thing I have always said is ‘If I’m wrong, tell me how’. I don’t want to be closed-minded. I’d rather hear someone out, try to find an acceptable middle ground, or we find a mutual agreement to disagree and we move on. I used to be that girl who thought she was right and the world was wrong and don’t tell me any different. I hate her as much as everyone else does. That question was asked on the 3rd of March. By the 12th, I was out in front of the crowd in Chicago for Collision with these words.


Hell of a turn-around? So here’s what happened. Exposed 007 got the attention of a few people, and I expected that. The amount of death threats I get, the amount of times I get told to unalive myself, it’s a sad reality in this business that really shouldn’t be. I’d say a good 99% of the negative comments I get are one-sided, there’s no ability to discuss anything. Morgan Payne has said she wished I was the one dead instead of Robi, and that she pities Katra like she pities Seleana, and I won’t lie, I seriously considered offing myself. Had my Eagle on my lap and the Hennessey in front of me. I couldn't go through with it. With everything else that girl’s gone through, and Morgan, I know you listen to my shows. I was NOT about to leave you feeling guilty over the weight of your words. I keep tabs on you from afar. I know everything you've done to become who you are today, and I'm fucking proud of you. As much as you hate me, I still love you, and every line of communication will forever be open to you the day you decide I’m worth your time. I want my friend back. I want us to be able to see our girls named after us together. I want the women who went to hell and back for us to finally see us on the same page. Imagine the joy and happiness that would give Linnea and Zenna. THAT'S what I want. For them, and for us.

I also got contacted by Lyric. Not in that ‘hey we haven’t talked in awhile’ way. More the ‘fuck you Eavan’ way, except she offered a chance to discuss things, and I took it. I even went so far as to invoke the emergencies act within the Doves, just in case I didn’t leave Baton Rouge the way I arrived. I wasn’t afraid, but I wasn’t going to leave my family in limbo either. I was walking in with a healthy distrust, a thirst for knowledge, and an acceptance of my fate rolled into one. And you know what, I didn’t leave Baton Rouge the way I went in. I left there stronger, smarter, and carrying a huge guilt on my shoulders that I was responsible for sorting through. I left Baton Rouge loved, which I least expected to feel. Between my own family, Alex, and especially Lyric, I’ve been able to get through all of the thoughts and feelings I had and put them behind me, learn and appreciate the actions and sacrifices Robi made not just for the Maidens but for others, and honestly, it’s changed everything.

You guys, you have NO idea how empty you feel when you’ve been running on rage for so long. I was angry at everything and everybody, whether it was my fault, thinking it was someone else’s fault, or just feeling like karma was kicking my ass. I’d turn most of that anger inwards. Many of my tattoos are hiding scars I inflicted on myself. I wasted years waging wars in my own head, and now… there’s peace. And I’ll admit, for a good while, and even sometimes today, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Thankfully I have friends who understand and appreciate the worth I have, which is how I became a trainer at Serena Riot’s Academy. I still have the Krigarakademin, my Warrior Academy, which I am still fully invested in and still do the occasional drop-in and courses there. I’m probably there three days a week to Riot Academy’s one. I’m doing more meet-and-greets before Collision shows. What I’m getting at is that I’ve become more accessible. The ragey stuff I leave to the Eavan character, or at least I try to. Outside of the ring, and even on social media more and more, I’m bestowing knowledge I’ve picked up over the years. Tips and advice that I barely listened to at the time, and yet stuck in my head until I learned those lessons on my own time.

Does this mean we’re going to see a new Eavolution? I think we already are. Personally, I’m in a better position than I’ve ever been, got my priorities in order for the most part and am finally starting to embrace life and the beauty, and the truth, within it.

Professionally, haha, I’d like to think I’m finally becoming that Warrior that I always tried to project. I can freely admit to the hypocrisy of saying you should be yourself, while always chasing the admiration and acceptance of my peers. I thought I could bridge that gap and you can’t. I would say I was a leader while following others. Try to show love and compassion while all I knew was hate and chaos. Want to be taken seriously while posting nude photos online for attention. You can’t do that. Well, you can try, but you’ll end up with nothing but wasted energy, time, and enough injuries and scars to last a few lifetimes. To be honest, this last change of the hair and the look finally woke something up in me. I’m more noticed now. Not as the thirst trap that fueled others’ fantasies, but as someone with a message and a purpose bigger than that.

At that Collision show I played the clip of earlier, yeah, I did go into business for myself a little, but there was a larger reason for it. I’ve said it a couple of times that I felt like I was only back in NFW as a favor to Saorise. When I came back, I said I was going to make NFW my home again, but at the time, I wasn’t exactly sure how I’d do that. I knew I wouldn’t be taken seriously so it was going to take a hard swing for the fences to get noticed. Sure, I would have loved to do another singles run, get those title opportunities others can get just by walking in the door. We have champions begging for challengers, fuck yeah I would have liked to be thought of as that challenger. And who knows, maybe those opportunities will come. And yet, I have to keep in mind, I’m back for my sister so where would that leave her if I’m going off and running solo before The Smurfs ever really get going? Sorsh is my priority now, as are those Alliance Titles. And I ain’t stupid. Sedition Rising are a great team, great pedigrees from each member. I’ve fought Adrianna Salvatore in the past, and while I beat her at every opportunity, let’s be honest, that was what? Four, five years ago? Times change, we hopefully get stronger and smarter. And there’s three of them and only two of us… on the surface, sure.

Thing is, we have a LOT of talented people at our disposal, who would love nothing more than to dust off their gear and stand beside us. I mean, we ARE Shieldmaidens. And AS Shieldmaidens, we always keep our cards close to our chest. Do we have a plan? You already know the answer to that. That plan is to be at March Mayhem so we can watch the match between Sedition Rising and The Phantom Troupe. I also need to be there to see Ashley Kenyon against Raseri in hopes that Ash can reason with her.

Now, yeah, I said some shit about Raseri, Shanna as I know her. Knowing what I know now, I was a little harsh in the delivery. And I know Shanna, you listen to my show too, especially now, so this is directly to you. I get the anger, I do. I’ve been there, I lived all of it. It’s a part of the grieving process, but it’s just that. A PART. You’re locked into this stage where you feel everyone has to pay for whatever but there’s nothing to pay for anymore. You’re going broke mentally and emotionally because you’re spending more than you’re bringing in and I can tell you why. You do this to avoid the inevitable. You’re avoiding the reality that your mother is gone, and she can’t come back. And the fact your world will suddenly change; it’ll feel a little darker, it’ll feel a little emptier but you HAVE to feel those things to be able to move on. And yeah, this shit ain’t easy, but it has to happen. And you’re not alone. You have family, you have your Wolves, you have the Shieldmaidens. You have Ash. And while I said what I did at the time in complete ignorance, you have me. You have your mother’s fire, you will get through this, but you have to continue that process. And I know all of this sounds cliche, and I know you so want to tell me to go fuck myself, but it’s the truth.