Post by Calypso on Jan 13, 2022 12:37:06 GMT -8
July 29, 2020
Office of Dr. Melinda Burch
Bay Meadows Treatment Center
Weaverville, NC
10:21 AM EDT
Dr. Melinda Burch: You said last time that you don’t think you deserve to be saved. Why is that?
Calypso shrugs as if the answer is both obvious and readily available for everyone's viewing pleasure.
Calypso Bates: What have I ever done to earn that? What have I ever done to earn anything aside from what Leina Anderson… Rael… whatever the fuck her last name is…
Trailing off, Cali seems to have an epiphany.
Calypso Bates: See! This is why, I don’t even know her whole fucking name and I had the balls to want to be part of her family?!!!? There are so many people just like that for me, it’s not even funny!
The full weight of what she’s just said rushes over her and Calypso looks away in shame.
Calypso Bates: So many…
Her hand covers her mouth as she sits there, the realization sinking in.
Calypso Bates: So many that I did things to that I can never even think about apologizing for to them because I have no idea who they are!
Taking this all in, Dr. Melinda nods ever so slightly.
Dr. Melinda Burch: How many?
Calypso sighs heavily.
Calypso Bates: Almost all of them. Almost everyone I came into contact with was just somebody to get something out of. I didn’t bother with names and if they told me I either didn’t care or was too fucked up to remember anyway. There are so many people out there that either I did it to them or I did it to somebody close to them and now…
She shakes her head sadly.
Calypso Bates: I can’t make amends to them because they’re nobody to me. It was always like that. To those people it might have been one of the worst days of their lives, or at least something they can tell others and bitch about. To me it was a Tuesday or a Wednesday and all I cared about was my next fix of whatever I could find.
The doctor nods knowingly.
Dr. Melinda Burch: And you want to?
Looking back at Dr. Melinda, Cali nods slowly, uncertainty.
Calypso Bates: I mean, I’d wanna try but, it’s not up to me.
The doctor nods back again in response.
Dr. Melinda Burch: But you do want to try and make amends? You’re not just saying that because the judge said you had to be here and this was better than jail?
Calypso stares slack jawed at the doctor for a second before catching herself. She knew this was exactly what a lot of people were probably thinking about her so why not ask her directly like this?
Calypso Bates: I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I could have slipped away any time I wanted to while we were on that long trip. I could have slipped away any time I was at a Hybrid Wrestling show. I could have disappeared and just moved on like I always did before. Who would have cared if I did, really? Who would have missed me? The company would have just chalked it up as another talent that stopped coming and not issued me any more paychecks. Jesse would have been a little disappointed but he had a family to go back to and Remi who was waiting for him. Danni and Leina would have just shaken their heads and said they were right about me and the whole thing would have added into obscurity until I finally got nailed somewhere and ended up in jail until hell freezes over for whatever I finally got caught on.
Seemingly surprised by the lack of doubt in Calypso’s voice, the doctor just stares back at her.
Dr. Melinda Burch: You’re that certain of that?
Calypso nods yet again.
Calypso Bates: That I would have been caught? Hell yes. I was good but not good enough to overcome being a sloppy addict and that’s what I was already when I met Jesse. There’s no way I would have gotten better after. If anything I would have gotten sloppier. It might have taken a little while if I’d done it on that trip since I was kinda detoxed then but it still would have happened if I’d run away from everything. I know, I would have gone back to what I knew how to do.
Dr. Melinda makes a mark on her notes.
Dr. Melinda Burch: So you admit to your problem?
Sitting back in her seat, Cali searches the doctor for anything she might be missing.
Calypso Bates: The powerless thing and all?
After a second, Calypso nods slowly.
Calypso Bates: Yes.
The doctor nods, making another mark on her notes as she does so.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Was there anyone who would not fall into that?
Calypso frowns in confusion.
Calypso Bates: Like….?
Dr. Melinda looks up and directly into Cali’s eyes.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Was there ever anyone whose name you did remember? Anyone who was different to you than the rest?
Cali nods quickly, yet still visibly confused by the question.
Calypso Bates: Yeah, Jesse.
The doctor nods.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Anyone else? Any of the drug buddies or people you tried to work?
Calypso stares back, sudden comprehension drawing.
Calypso Bates: Yes…
The doctor offers a small smile.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Who were they?
Cali
Calypso Bates: Six drug buddies I knew in Vegas. We lost contact when I tried to jump on the Jesse Train.
She pauses and then nods to herself.
Calypso Bates: More like I stopped calling because…
She trails off, looking like she wants to slap herself.
Calypso Bates: I was stupid and thought I didn’t need them anymore.
Dr. Melinda Burch: And you did?
Calypso shrugs.
Calypso Bates: It would have been nice to share things like we had before. I mean, most of it ws just stupid shit that comes out when you’re high off your as and just start talking. Sometimes it doesn’t mean a damn thing and sometimes you hear somebody’s actual hopes and dreams just kind of blurt out and everybody either nods or starts laughing because we’re all way too high to get that deep.
She exhales deeply.
Calypso Bates: I suppose an argument could be made we were all trying to reach out and yet hide at the same time there. We’d get together, pool our stashes and just start on whatever we had. Somebody would mention a dealer who got popped by the cops or who got taken out and so we couldn’t look there anymore. Somebody else would mention shit that happened to them. Every so often one of us had an arrest to talk about too. We’d compare notes on sources and cops and complain about the food inside because the food is always terrible in jail. I mean, it’s jail, so of course it is. Who goes to jail thinking they’re gonna feed you like you’e at the fucking Ritz, right?
Dr. Melinda can’t help but laugh.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Does anybody?
Calypso allows herself a small chuckle as she nods to the doctor. .
Calypso Bates: I’ve met a couple who did, yeah. They’d never been and were really hardcore heroin guys. They both had this weird thought that jail food would automatically be good because the government was paying for it. The one we called Database because he always seemed to know where to be able to get the best shit. He eventually got arrested and went away for grand theft because he tried to steal jewelry and a car and didn’t manage to make it out of the parking lot he was in at the time. The other we called Dead Horse because he always took whatever he thought was funny and repeated it over and over again because he’d forget he already told you and tell you again. He went away too, I don’t remember for what. I’m always amazed he didn’t OD. I couldn’t tell you what their real names were.
Calypso goes quiet again for a few seconds before looking away.
Calypso Bates: We always thought he was funny, even if we’d heard the shit a thousand times. Liza especially. She, Robin and Casey squatted in the same building I did a lot. Dana, Karen and Alicia did too after a while because they got tired of trying to live on benches outside casinos. Couple of those places got bitchy if you tried to stay there too long. I don’t even know if that building is still there.
Dr. Melinda nods slowly.
Dr. Melinda Burch: You almost sound like you hope it is and that they’re still there.
Calypso ponders this for a second and shakes her head.
Calypso Bates: I hope the building is still there but I hope they got out. If I went back and they were still there like they were before…
Her voice starts to crack.
Calypso Bates: It… I…
She shakes her head.
Calypso Bates: It would kill me…
Dr. Melinda smiles sweetly.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Let’s hope they’ve found their way out then.
Cali nods.
Calypso Bates: Yeah… let’s hope…
Office of Dr. Melinda Burch
Bay Meadows Treatment Center
Weaverville, NC
10:21 AM EDT
Dr. Melinda Burch: You said last time that you don’t think you deserve to be saved. Why is that?
Calypso shrugs as if the answer is both obvious and readily available for everyone's viewing pleasure.
Calypso Bates: What have I ever done to earn that? What have I ever done to earn anything aside from what Leina Anderson… Rael… whatever the fuck her last name is…
Trailing off, Cali seems to have an epiphany.
Calypso Bates: See! This is why, I don’t even know her whole fucking name and I had the balls to want to be part of her family?!!!? There are so many people just like that for me, it’s not even funny!
The full weight of what she’s just said rushes over her and Calypso looks away in shame.
Calypso Bates: So many…
Her hand covers her mouth as she sits there, the realization sinking in.
Calypso Bates: So many that I did things to that I can never even think about apologizing for to them because I have no idea who they are!
Taking this all in, Dr. Melinda nods ever so slightly.
Dr. Melinda Burch: How many?
Calypso sighs heavily.
Calypso Bates: Almost all of them. Almost everyone I came into contact with was just somebody to get something out of. I didn’t bother with names and if they told me I either didn’t care or was too fucked up to remember anyway. There are so many people out there that either I did it to them or I did it to somebody close to them and now…
She shakes her head sadly.
Calypso Bates: I can’t make amends to them because they’re nobody to me. It was always like that. To those people it might have been one of the worst days of their lives, or at least something they can tell others and bitch about. To me it was a Tuesday or a Wednesday and all I cared about was my next fix of whatever I could find.
The doctor nods knowingly.
Dr. Melinda Burch: And you want to?
Looking back at Dr. Melinda, Cali nods slowly, uncertainty.
Calypso Bates: I mean, I’d wanna try but, it’s not up to me.
The doctor nods back again in response.
Dr. Melinda Burch: But you do want to try and make amends? You’re not just saying that because the judge said you had to be here and this was better than jail?
Calypso stares slack jawed at the doctor for a second before catching herself. She knew this was exactly what a lot of people were probably thinking about her so why not ask her directly like this?
Calypso Bates: I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I could have slipped away any time I wanted to while we were on that long trip. I could have slipped away any time I was at a Hybrid Wrestling show. I could have disappeared and just moved on like I always did before. Who would have cared if I did, really? Who would have missed me? The company would have just chalked it up as another talent that stopped coming and not issued me any more paychecks. Jesse would have been a little disappointed but he had a family to go back to and Remi who was waiting for him. Danni and Leina would have just shaken their heads and said they were right about me and the whole thing would have added into obscurity until I finally got nailed somewhere and ended up in jail until hell freezes over for whatever I finally got caught on.
Seemingly surprised by the lack of doubt in Calypso’s voice, the doctor just stares back at her.
Dr. Melinda Burch: You’re that certain of that?
Calypso nods yet again.
Calypso Bates: That I would have been caught? Hell yes. I was good but not good enough to overcome being a sloppy addict and that’s what I was already when I met Jesse. There’s no way I would have gotten better after. If anything I would have gotten sloppier. It might have taken a little while if I’d done it on that trip since I was kinda detoxed then but it still would have happened if I’d run away from everything. I know, I would have gone back to what I knew how to do.
Dr. Melinda makes a mark on her notes.
Dr. Melinda Burch: So you admit to your problem?
Sitting back in her seat, Cali searches the doctor for anything she might be missing.
Calypso Bates: The powerless thing and all?
After a second, Calypso nods slowly.
Calypso Bates: Yes.
The doctor nods, making another mark on her notes as she does so.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Was there anyone who would not fall into that?
Calypso frowns in confusion.
Calypso Bates: Like….?
Dr. Melinda looks up and directly into Cali’s eyes.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Was there ever anyone whose name you did remember? Anyone who was different to you than the rest?
Cali nods quickly, yet still visibly confused by the question.
Calypso Bates: Yeah, Jesse.
The doctor nods.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Anyone else? Any of the drug buddies or people you tried to work?
Calypso stares back, sudden comprehension drawing.
Calypso Bates: Yes…
The doctor offers a small smile.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Who were they?
Cali
Calypso Bates: Six drug buddies I knew in Vegas. We lost contact when I tried to jump on the Jesse Train.
She pauses and then nods to herself.
Calypso Bates: More like I stopped calling because…
She trails off, looking like she wants to slap herself.
Calypso Bates: I was stupid and thought I didn’t need them anymore.
Dr. Melinda Burch: And you did?
Calypso shrugs.
Calypso Bates: It would have been nice to share things like we had before. I mean, most of it ws just stupid shit that comes out when you’re high off your as and just start talking. Sometimes it doesn’t mean a damn thing and sometimes you hear somebody’s actual hopes and dreams just kind of blurt out and everybody either nods or starts laughing because we’re all way too high to get that deep.
She exhales deeply.
Calypso Bates: I suppose an argument could be made we were all trying to reach out and yet hide at the same time there. We’d get together, pool our stashes and just start on whatever we had. Somebody would mention a dealer who got popped by the cops or who got taken out and so we couldn’t look there anymore. Somebody else would mention shit that happened to them. Every so often one of us had an arrest to talk about too. We’d compare notes on sources and cops and complain about the food inside because the food is always terrible in jail. I mean, it’s jail, so of course it is. Who goes to jail thinking they’re gonna feed you like you’e at the fucking Ritz, right?
Dr. Melinda can’t help but laugh.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Does anybody?
Calypso allows herself a small chuckle as she nods to the doctor. .
Calypso Bates: I’ve met a couple who did, yeah. They’d never been and were really hardcore heroin guys. They both had this weird thought that jail food would automatically be good because the government was paying for it. The one we called Database because he always seemed to know where to be able to get the best shit. He eventually got arrested and went away for grand theft because he tried to steal jewelry and a car and didn’t manage to make it out of the parking lot he was in at the time. The other we called Dead Horse because he always took whatever he thought was funny and repeated it over and over again because he’d forget he already told you and tell you again. He went away too, I don’t remember for what. I’m always amazed he didn’t OD. I couldn’t tell you what their real names were.
Calypso goes quiet again for a few seconds before looking away.
Calypso Bates: We always thought he was funny, even if we’d heard the shit a thousand times. Liza especially. She, Robin and Casey squatted in the same building I did a lot. Dana, Karen and Alicia did too after a while because they got tired of trying to live on benches outside casinos. Couple of those places got bitchy if you tried to stay there too long. I don’t even know if that building is still there.
Dr. Melinda nods slowly.
Dr. Melinda Burch: You almost sound like you hope it is and that they’re still there.
Calypso ponders this for a second and shakes her head.
Calypso Bates: I hope the building is still there but I hope they got out. If I went back and they were still there like they were before…
Her voice starts to crack.
Calypso Bates: It… I…
She shakes her head.
Calypso Bates: It would kill me…
Dr. Melinda smiles sweetly.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Let’s hope they’ve found their way out then.
Cali nods.
Calypso Bates: Yeah… let’s hope…
