Post by Calypso on Jan 10, 2022 11:36:31 GMT -8
July 28, 2020
Office of Dr. Melinda Burch
Bay Meadows Treatment Center
Weaverville, NC
10:17 AM EDT
Dr. Melinda Burch: So last time we were talking about Jesse.
Cali nods, waiting for the punchline, so to speak.
Calypso Bates: Yeah…
Dr. Melinda continues.
Dr. Melinda Burch: You’ve said you found it strange the way he was nice to you.
Again, Cali nods, still waiting for the right hook out of left field she knows has to be coming.
Calypso Bates: Yeah…
Dr. Melinda looks up from her notes.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Why is that?
Cali shrugs as if the answer should be obvious.
Calypso Bates: Why did I deserve him to be nice to me?
Caught off guard, Dr. Melinda frowns at her patient.
Dr. Melinda Burch: I’m sorry?
Calypso doesn’t even blink.
Calypso Bates: Why did I deserve that? I couldn’t figure it out. Everybody else I’d ever met and come across, they all wanted something. I always wanted something. There was always something else going on, no matter how big or small. Mom wanted to appear like she was better off than she was. Dad wanted his family to be proud of him and shut up about everything he wasn’t. They both wanted me to help provide the appearance they had what everyone else said they should have or should want. Everybody else I bumped into, it was always a business transaction of sorts. What do I need to do to get what I want out of them? What do they want from me and how much is it worth to me to give it to them? Is what I want from them worth the same as what I have to give them?
Dr. Melinda nods solemnly.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Is that what you meant by not having any friends?
Cali considers this and then half nods and half shrugs.
Calypso Bates: Sort of? I mean, I didn’t keep anyone close enough to really call them friends unless they could get me whatever I was looking for. Like I had dealers and I had hookups like I knew one for coke, one for oxy, one for percs, one for good weed, one for good booze if I wanted it, stuff like that.
Looking over her notes, Dr. Melinda just stares at Cali for a second.
Dr. Melinda Burch: And that’s all any of them were?
Cali shrugs again almost as if thi is the most natural answer in the world.
Calypso Bates: Usually, I mean, I went through several for a couple of things. The first oxy guy got himself made an example of. Think he got ahead of himself and thought he could be a dealer. Knocked on the wrong door and ended up with his toes in his mouth. Had a coke guy who got shot trying to rip off his supplier. Had another pill guy od’d, another got arrested. It was just sort of…
She sighs, not quite sadly.
Calypso Bates: Just kind of how it was with that stuff.
Dr. Melinda Burch: How many did you end up with?
Calypso shrugs as she silently tries to do the math in her head.
Calypso Bates: Total? God, I don’t know. A lot, most of them either ended up in jail or just lost contact. A few of those I’d hear what happened to. Others, not so much. The last few…
She trails off looking sad.
Calypso Bates: I almost wished they’d ended up friends but I didn’t really know how to get there and then Jesse came along so I went after that opportunity. I don’t even know if any of them are still in the game or if they’ve gone the way of the others. I’m kinda sad to say that.
Mild surprise registers on Dr. Melinda’s face.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Why?
Cali sits back in her chair, the tone of her voice making it sound like she’s trying to decide whether or not to just shut down now.
Calypso Bates: Because…
As Cali remains silent following her low retort, Dr. Melinda looks at her with an almost withering look of disapproval and disappointment.
Dr. Melinda Burch: That’s not an answer.
Cali’s jaw clenches as she momentarily grits her teeth. Licking the inside of them, she takes a deep breath and then nods to herself.
Calypso Bates: I feel like they could have been important to me. They SHOULD have ben important to me. I mean, they were. They were the only reliable people I had for that stuff. I coil call them any time and they never left me hanging with nothing. How do I not know anything more about them?
A look of hope crosses the doctor’s face.
Dr. Melinda Burch: What do you know about them?
Thinking on this, a look of shame starts to crawl over Cali’s visage.
Calypso Bates: Names.
Dr. Melinda can’t help herself in her reaction.
Dr. Melinda Burch: That’s all?
The look of shame on Calypso’s face intensifies.
Calypso Bates: I mean, I know the faces they go with. But, that’s all the others really were to me, were names that went with what they could give me.
Nodding understandingly, Dr. Melinda tries to ease the tension a little.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Is that what these were?
Calypso sits there, staring ahead for a second, pondering the question at hand. Finally she sits back and shakes her head.
Calypso Bates: No…
Dr. Melinda looks up at Cali, surprise registering on her face.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Why not?
Just as last time, tears start in Cali’s eyes.
Calypso Bates: They would actually talk to me. Just shooting the shit at first but that was out of the ordinary enough as it is. Most times it was get in, get out. Give them the money, get your shit and go before anybody has a chance to come after either of you. These were different…
Dr. Melinda nods.
Dr. Melinda Burch: How were they different?
A tear rolls down Cali’s cheek.
Calypso Bates: They were trying…
She sits forward, head now in her hands.
Calypso Bates: They were trying and I didn’t pay attention. I did what I always did, I registered that this could be an opportunity at some point and then I left and tried to better deal them the first chance I got.
Dr. Melinda nods again.
Dr. Melinda Burch: So you still saw them as potential targets?
She nods through her tears.
Calypso Bates: Yes. They were reaching out and I didn’t even bother to slap them away. I just took their drugs and then went for the big score like they’d been nothing. I’m such a piece of shit! Declan Black was right about me! As much as I didn't want him to be, as much as I didn’t want Leina to be right and justified…
She shakes her head as she trails off, the torrent now roaring down her face.
Calypso Bates: They're both right! I’m so not worth saving…
Dr. Melinda softens her expression.
Dr. Melinda Burch: And yet, you're here and you’re actually participating.
This only makes her cry harder.
Calypso Bates: Saving myself again…
Dr. Melinda cants her head, smiling almost sweetly in sympathy.
Dr. Melinda Burch: So you think you're only here for selfish reasons?
Cali nods sadly.
Calypso Bates: It’s what I’m good at, isn’t it?
Dr. Melinda shakes her head.
Dr. Melinda Burch: We’re here to make sure that doesn’t stay true.
Calypso nods sadly.
Calypso Bates: I hope so.
.
Office of Dr. Melinda Burch
Bay Meadows Treatment Center
Weaverville, NC
10:17 AM EDT
Dr. Melinda Burch: So last time we were talking about Jesse.
Cali nods, waiting for the punchline, so to speak.
Calypso Bates: Yeah…
Dr. Melinda continues.
Dr. Melinda Burch: You’ve said you found it strange the way he was nice to you.
Again, Cali nods, still waiting for the right hook out of left field she knows has to be coming.
Calypso Bates: Yeah…
Dr. Melinda looks up from her notes.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Why is that?
Cali shrugs as if the answer should be obvious.
Calypso Bates: Why did I deserve him to be nice to me?
Caught off guard, Dr. Melinda frowns at her patient.
Dr. Melinda Burch: I’m sorry?
Calypso doesn’t even blink.
Calypso Bates: Why did I deserve that? I couldn’t figure it out. Everybody else I’d ever met and come across, they all wanted something. I always wanted something. There was always something else going on, no matter how big or small. Mom wanted to appear like she was better off than she was. Dad wanted his family to be proud of him and shut up about everything he wasn’t. They both wanted me to help provide the appearance they had what everyone else said they should have or should want. Everybody else I bumped into, it was always a business transaction of sorts. What do I need to do to get what I want out of them? What do they want from me and how much is it worth to me to give it to them? Is what I want from them worth the same as what I have to give them?
Dr. Melinda nods solemnly.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Is that what you meant by not having any friends?
Cali considers this and then half nods and half shrugs.
Calypso Bates: Sort of? I mean, I didn’t keep anyone close enough to really call them friends unless they could get me whatever I was looking for. Like I had dealers and I had hookups like I knew one for coke, one for oxy, one for percs, one for good weed, one for good booze if I wanted it, stuff like that.
Looking over her notes, Dr. Melinda just stares at Cali for a second.
Dr. Melinda Burch: And that’s all any of them were?
Cali shrugs again almost as if thi is the most natural answer in the world.
Calypso Bates: Usually, I mean, I went through several for a couple of things. The first oxy guy got himself made an example of. Think he got ahead of himself and thought he could be a dealer. Knocked on the wrong door and ended up with his toes in his mouth. Had a coke guy who got shot trying to rip off his supplier. Had another pill guy od’d, another got arrested. It was just sort of…
She sighs, not quite sadly.
Calypso Bates: Just kind of how it was with that stuff.
Dr. Melinda Burch: How many did you end up with?
Calypso shrugs as she silently tries to do the math in her head.
Calypso Bates: Total? God, I don’t know. A lot, most of them either ended up in jail or just lost contact. A few of those I’d hear what happened to. Others, not so much. The last few…
She trails off looking sad.
Calypso Bates: I almost wished they’d ended up friends but I didn’t really know how to get there and then Jesse came along so I went after that opportunity. I don’t even know if any of them are still in the game or if they’ve gone the way of the others. I’m kinda sad to say that.
Mild surprise registers on Dr. Melinda’s face.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Why?
Cali sits back in her chair, the tone of her voice making it sound like she’s trying to decide whether or not to just shut down now.
Calypso Bates: Because…
As Cali remains silent following her low retort, Dr. Melinda looks at her with an almost withering look of disapproval and disappointment.
Dr. Melinda Burch: That’s not an answer.
Cali’s jaw clenches as she momentarily grits her teeth. Licking the inside of them, she takes a deep breath and then nods to herself.
Calypso Bates: I feel like they could have been important to me. They SHOULD have ben important to me. I mean, they were. They were the only reliable people I had for that stuff. I coil call them any time and they never left me hanging with nothing. How do I not know anything more about them?
A look of hope crosses the doctor’s face.
Dr. Melinda Burch: What do you know about them?
Thinking on this, a look of shame starts to crawl over Cali’s visage.
Calypso Bates: Names.
Dr. Melinda can’t help herself in her reaction.
Dr. Melinda Burch: That’s all?
The look of shame on Calypso’s face intensifies.
Calypso Bates: I mean, I know the faces they go with. But, that’s all the others really were to me, were names that went with what they could give me.
Nodding understandingly, Dr. Melinda tries to ease the tension a little.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Is that what these were?
Calypso sits there, staring ahead for a second, pondering the question at hand. Finally she sits back and shakes her head.
Calypso Bates: No…
Dr. Melinda looks up at Cali, surprise registering on her face.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Why not?
Just as last time, tears start in Cali’s eyes.
Calypso Bates: They would actually talk to me. Just shooting the shit at first but that was out of the ordinary enough as it is. Most times it was get in, get out. Give them the money, get your shit and go before anybody has a chance to come after either of you. These were different…
Dr. Melinda nods.
Dr. Melinda Burch: How were they different?
A tear rolls down Cali’s cheek.
Calypso Bates: They were trying…
She sits forward, head now in her hands.
Calypso Bates: They were trying and I didn’t pay attention. I did what I always did, I registered that this could be an opportunity at some point and then I left and tried to better deal them the first chance I got.
Dr. Melinda nods again.
Dr. Melinda Burch: So you still saw them as potential targets?
She nods through her tears.
Calypso Bates: Yes. They were reaching out and I didn’t even bother to slap them away. I just took their drugs and then went for the big score like they’d been nothing. I’m such a piece of shit! Declan Black was right about me! As much as I didn't want him to be, as much as I didn’t want Leina to be right and justified…
She shakes her head as she trails off, the torrent now roaring down her face.
Calypso Bates: They're both right! I’m so not worth saving…
Dr. Melinda softens her expression.
Dr. Melinda Burch: And yet, you're here and you’re actually participating.
This only makes her cry harder.
Calypso Bates: Saving myself again…
Dr. Melinda cants her head, smiling almost sweetly in sympathy.
Dr. Melinda Burch: So you think you're only here for selfish reasons?
Cali nods sadly.
Calypso Bates: It’s what I’m good at, isn’t it?
Dr. Melinda shakes her head.
Dr. Melinda Burch: We’re here to make sure that doesn’t stay true.
Calypso nods sadly.
Calypso Bates: I hope so.
.
