Post by Calypso on Jan 7, 2022 12:00:02 GMT -8
I was asked many times why I did what I did. Jesse asked me. Danni asked me. The little one didn’t bother to ask, she always just kind of glared at me like I was an interloper. Fair enough, I was and everybody knew it including me. I got asked that when I was hammered all the time. I got asked that when I was in rehab. I got asked when I was in the cabin. I get asked now by people meeting me for the first time. The answer is both simple and stupid.
Drugs.
What else was there to say? It was an explanation, an excuse and a copout all in the same answer and it was only one word but it was everything. Why did I do it? Why did I blackmail Jesse Anderson? Why did I blackmail his entire family?
Drugs.
It sounds as dumb now as it did every other time I said it but it’s always been the truth. I admit the truth and I haven’t always had a rock solid relationship with each other. As a matter of fact, there is good reason to question if I even know what the word truth actually means. I lied to get my meals. I lied to get transportation to places. I lied to get a roof over my head. I lied for money and I lied to get my fix over and over and over again. I lied to get everything I ever had right up until the day Jesse invited me to travel the world with him in January 2020. I got six months before I had to come start facing the music for how I’d conducted myself. I’d never heard anyone be as angry with someone as that judge was when he sent me to rehab for six month and basically aid my life was now in their hands so I had better not fuck this up. He’d wanted to throw me in prison but Jesse wanted me to try and get better instead.
So then, there I sat, listening to these people every day. I didn’t really have to detox much at all because I’d been weaned off of pretty much everything already on that trip Jesse took me on before he came back home to Remi Fontaine. I remember it took a couple of weeks before I really started listening. Finally, after a month or so, I started talking…
July 27, 2020
Office of Dr. Melinda Burch
Bay Meadows Treatment Center
Weaverville, NC
10:27 AM EDT
Calypso Bates: I don’t really have a story like that…
Doctor Melinda just stares back.
Dr. Melinda Burch: What do you have?
Cali shrugs.
Calypso Bates: My mom got me this internship right? She told me I had to take opportunities when they came. Had this twinkle in her eye when she said it.
Swallowing hard, Cali looks at the floor intently as if it might give her a chance to be anywhere but here right now.
Calypso Bates: I just was like whatever about it. I knew she was kind of bullshitting me about it. She and my dad kept up appearances but, that’s all it was. They liked everybody to think they were smarter, richer, whatever else. They taught me how to make it look like I knew what I was doing enough to get certain things. It was how my mom always managed to better deal whatever job she had right before they figured out she shouldn’t have had it. My dad thought it was funny because he did the same thing, more or less. There really wasn’t any love with them, that waved bye bye way before I came along to fuck things up for them.
Dr. Melinda frowns.
Dr. Melinda Burch: What do you mean by fuck things up for them?
Cali shrugs again.
Calypso Bates: They were never really a couple. They were a hookup that they were using to get one over on things. Dad was a nepotism product who knew how to blow smoke to cover his ass and his father and grandfather had both sort of leaned on him to be a family man whether he wanted to or not. He didn’t want to, he’d discovered beer and women and…
She shrugs again.
Calypso Bates: I don’t really know what else. We weren’t exactly the deep conversation kind of family. Mom just happened to be exactly what his father was hoping he’d find and he was both a good time and a way for her to get a job she could parlay into something more. He got her a gig that paid better than anything else she could hope to get and she knew she could fuck arund and no one was going to say anything because she was the big man’s in-law.
Dr. Melinda just stares at the young woman, mouth open in stunned awe.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Definitely a fun time.
Cali looks up, her eyes all but dancing as she nods affirmatively.
Calypso Bates: Then their happy accident happened.
She motions at herself and then looks back to the floor.
Calypso Bates: Dad’s family was overjoyed because he was finally going to be the family man they wanted. Dad was just a little…
She holds up her hand and jiggles it side to side slightly.
Calypso Bates: Put out that the party had to at least pause. Mom was not happy either because becoming this guy’s baby factory had not been part of her plan either. They decided to make a deal with each other. They would put on the masks and pretend to be the perfect happy family in public and for the family but outside of that they’d do what they’d always done and see how much money they could make before the jig was up.
A deep breath and Cali sighs just enough to be noticed.
Calypso Bates: Dad’s father died when I was two, so I really don’t remember him much but I’ve seen pictures that look like he loved me. I never met any of my mom’s family and after his father died, Dad stayed away from his so they could just stick to bullshitting everybody else about how we were this great family.
She almost laughs at it, catching herself as she starts to.
Calypso Bates: I either got bought off or told to shut up with a look that always told me don’t find out what happens if you say or what back to that. They wouldn’t usually hit me, didn’t really need to and besides, that might leave a mark somebody could see and piss all over what we had.
She shakes her head at herself.
Calypso Bates: I so sound like I’m whining…
Looking back to the other person in the room, Cali searches the face staring back at her for a semblance of a reaction.
Calypso Bates: Guess I shouldn’t be surprised they raised me to be a bullshit artist, huh?
She looks away in shame.
Calypso Bates: Found my first pills in my mom’s “secret” spot in the kitchen while I was looking for the cinnamon. Pocketed a couple because I knew somebody at school that would give me fifty bucks for one. If Mom noticed them missing, she never said anything to me about it so she either didn’ notice or thought Dad had snuck them.
She trails off, the shame and regret washing over her as the memory is called back in her mind.
Calypso Bates: I took them to school, got my fifty bucks and then fired down the second one to see why it was worth fifty bucks to him. Snuck out to park near the library up the street and laid down on the bench where I suddenly felt like a puddle. I didn’t move for hours, not that I could have if I’d wanted to. Over the next few months I got in with that crowd, figured out which drugs I liked, which I didn’t and started applying my parents’ lessons to making sure I could always be on that even keel because I noticed, when I didn’t have any…
Cali shakes her head.
Calypso Bates: I was miserable and I would start focusing on everything I didn’t have.
Dr. Melinda nods slowly.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Where were your friends?
Again, Cali almost laughs.
Calypso Bates: I didn’t have friends. I either had victims I could use, targets to get shit from or drug buddies to get loaded with. The closest thing I’ve ever had to a friend is Jesse and I don’t know if I should even call it that. He was supposed to be a target and then a victim, but…
She shakes her head as she grits her teeth.
Calypso Bates: I got cocky, I got lazy, I got stupid, I got sloppy and I fucked my own shit up and he sw through me. Whether he saw through me from the start or just got wiser as it went on, I don’t know. His niece saw through me from the day I first met her. She always hated me and I can’t say she didn’t have a right to. And yet…
She trails off, her voice suddenly caught in her throat. After she stays quiet for what seems like years, Dr. Melinda leans forward.
Dr. Melinda Burch: And yet?
Cali shakes her head in confusion and shame.
Calypso Bates: No matter what I did, Jesse never hated me. He almost seemed to even…
She shakes her head, looking away.
Calypso Bates: No, I don’t deserve to say that…
Dr. Melinda frowns again.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Don’t deserve what, Cali?
Tears roll down Calypso’s cheeks.
Calypso Bates: To call what he did for me… love…
She wipes frantically at her eyes.
Calypso Bates: I… wouldn’t have known what it was or what to do with it even if I could call it that..
Sitting back in her chair, Dr. Melinda adjusts her glasses.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Why does it make you feel like that?
Cali swallows hard.
Calypso Bates: Because I liked it… I was even starting to… want that…
Leaning forward in her own chair, Cali kicks at the carpet as she holds herself as if her stomach hurts.
Calypso Bates: I don’t want to be just the stupid accident anymore! I don’t wanna be… worthless…
Dr. Melinda nods slowly and stands up, walking over to Cali.
Dr. Melinda Burch: We’ll get there. You don’t need to do it alone anymore.
The tears come flooding now as she can no longer hold back the torrents. Dr. Melinda holds her and nods.
Dr. Melinda Burch: It’s gonna be ok, Calypso… we’ll get there…
Drugs.
What else was there to say? It was an explanation, an excuse and a copout all in the same answer and it was only one word but it was everything. Why did I do it? Why did I blackmail Jesse Anderson? Why did I blackmail his entire family?
Drugs.
It sounds as dumb now as it did every other time I said it but it’s always been the truth. I admit the truth and I haven’t always had a rock solid relationship with each other. As a matter of fact, there is good reason to question if I even know what the word truth actually means. I lied to get my meals. I lied to get transportation to places. I lied to get a roof over my head. I lied for money and I lied to get my fix over and over and over again. I lied to get everything I ever had right up until the day Jesse invited me to travel the world with him in January 2020. I got six months before I had to come start facing the music for how I’d conducted myself. I’d never heard anyone be as angry with someone as that judge was when he sent me to rehab for six month and basically aid my life was now in their hands so I had better not fuck this up. He’d wanted to throw me in prison but Jesse wanted me to try and get better instead.
So then, there I sat, listening to these people every day. I didn’t really have to detox much at all because I’d been weaned off of pretty much everything already on that trip Jesse took me on before he came back home to Remi Fontaine. I remember it took a couple of weeks before I really started listening. Finally, after a month or so, I started talking…
July 27, 2020
Office of Dr. Melinda Burch
Bay Meadows Treatment Center
Weaverville, NC
10:27 AM EDT
Calypso Bates: I don’t really have a story like that…
Doctor Melinda just stares back.
Dr. Melinda Burch: What do you have?
Cali shrugs.
Calypso Bates: My mom got me this internship right? She told me I had to take opportunities when they came. Had this twinkle in her eye when she said it.
Swallowing hard, Cali looks at the floor intently as if it might give her a chance to be anywhere but here right now.
Calypso Bates: I just was like whatever about it. I knew she was kind of bullshitting me about it. She and my dad kept up appearances but, that’s all it was. They liked everybody to think they were smarter, richer, whatever else. They taught me how to make it look like I knew what I was doing enough to get certain things. It was how my mom always managed to better deal whatever job she had right before they figured out she shouldn’t have had it. My dad thought it was funny because he did the same thing, more or less. There really wasn’t any love with them, that waved bye bye way before I came along to fuck things up for them.
Dr. Melinda frowns.
Dr. Melinda Burch: What do you mean by fuck things up for them?
Cali shrugs again.
Calypso Bates: They were never really a couple. They were a hookup that they were using to get one over on things. Dad was a nepotism product who knew how to blow smoke to cover his ass and his father and grandfather had both sort of leaned on him to be a family man whether he wanted to or not. He didn’t want to, he’d discovered beer and women and…
She shrugs again.
Calypso Bates: I don’t really know what else. We weren’t exactly the deep conversation kind of family. Mom just happened to be exactly what his father was hoping he’d find and he was both a good time and a way for her to get a job she could parlay into something more. He got her a gig that paid better than anything else she could hope to get and she knew she could fuck arund and no one was going to say anything because she was the big man’s in-law.
Dr. Melinda just stares at the young woman, mouth open in stunned awe.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Definitely a fun time.
Cali looks up, her eyes all but dancing as she nods affirmatively.
Calypso Bates: Then their happy accident happened.
She motions at herself and then looks back to the floor.
Calypso Bates: Dad’s family was overjoyed because he was finally going to be the family man they wanted. Dad was just a little…
She holds up her hand and jiggles it side to side slightly.
Calypso Bates: Put out that the party had to at least pause. Mom was not happy either because becoming this guy’s baby factory had not been part of her plan either. They decided to make a deal with each other. They would put on the masks and pretend to be the perfect happy family in public and for the family but outside of that they’d do what they’d always done and see how much money they could make before the jig was up.
A deep breath and Cali sighs just enough to be noticed.
Calypso Bates: Dad’s father died when I was two, so I really don’t remember him much but I’ve seen pictures that look like he loved me. I never met any of my mom’s family and after his father died, Dad stayed away from his so they could just stick to bullshitting everybody else about how we were this great family.
She almost laughs at it, catching herself as she starts to.
Calypso Bates: I either got bought off or told to shut up with a look that always told me don’t find out what happens if you say or what back to that. They wouldn’t usually hit me, didn’t really need to and besides, that might leave a mark somebody could see and piss all over what we had.
She shakes her head at herself.
Calypso Bates: I so sound like I’m whining…
Looking back to the other person in the room, Cali searches the face staring back at her for a semblance of a reaction.
Calypso Bates: Guess I shouldn’t be surprised they raised me to be a bullshit artist, huh?
She looks away in shame.
Calypso Bates: Found my first pills in my mom’s “secret” spot in the kitchen while I was looking for the cinnamon. Pocketed a couple because I knew somebody at school that would give me fifty bucks for one. If Mom noticed them missing, she never said anything to me about it so she either didn’ notice or thought Dad had snuck them.
She trails off, the shame and regret washing over her as the memory is called back in her mind.
Calypso Bates: I took them to school, got my fifty bucks and then fired down the second one to see why it was worth fifty bucks to him. Snuck out to park near the library up the street and laid down on the bench where I suddenly felt like a puddle. I didn’t move for hours, not that I could have if I’d wanted to. Over the next few months I got in with that crowd, figured out which drugs I liked, which I didn’t and started applying my parents’ lessons to making sure I could always be on that even keel because I noticed, when I didn’t have any…
Cali shakes her head.
Calypso Bates: I was miserable and I would start focusing on everything I didn’t have.
Dr. Melinda nods slowly.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Where were your friends?
Again, Cali almost laughs.
Calypso Bates: I didn’t have friends. I either had victims I could use, targets to get shit from or drug buddies to get loaded with. The closest thing I’ve ever had to a friend is Jesse and I don’t know if I should even call it that. He was supposed to be a target and then a victim, but…
She shakes her head as she grits her teeth.
Calypso Bates: I got cocky, I got lazy, I got stupid, I got sloppy and I fucked my own shit up and he sw through me. Whether he saw through me from the start or just got wiser as it went on, I don’t know. His niece saw through me from the day I first met her. She always hated me and I can’t say she didn’t have a right to. And yet…
She trails off, her voice suddenly caught in her throat. After she stays quiet for what seems like years, Dr. Melinda leans forward.
Dr. Melinda Burch: And yet?
Cali shakes her head in confusion and shame.
Calypso Bates: No matter what I did, Jesse never hated me. He almost seemed to even…
She shakes her head, looking away.
Calypso Bates: No, I don’t deserve to say that…
Dr. Melinda frowns again.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Don’t deserve what, Cali?
Tears roll down Calypso’s cheeks.
Calypso Bates: To call what he did for me… love…
She wipes frantically at her eyes.
Calypso Bates: I… wouldn’t have known what it was or what to do with it even if I could call it that..
Sitting back in her chair, Dr. Melinda adjusts her glasses.
Dr. Melinda Burch: Why does it make you feel like that?
Cali swallows hard.
Calypso Bates: Because I liked it… I was even starting to… want that…
Leaning forward in her own chair, Cali kicks at the carpet as she holds herself as if her stomach hurts.
Calypso Bates: I don’t want to be just the stupid accident anymore! I don’t wanna be… worthless…
Dr. Melinda nods slowly and stands up, walking over to Cali.
Dr. Melinda Burch: We’ll get there. You don’t need to do it alone anymore.
The tears come flooding now as she can no longer hold back the torrents. Dr. Melinda holds her and nods.
Dr. Melinda Burch: It’s gonna be ok, Calypso… we’ll get there…
